She is My Reason

I wrote this post 4 years, 1 month and two days ago. So much time has passed but my feelings of loss and hurt have not. Hardly a day goes by where I don't miss her and think of her husband and children living their lives without her in them.





Had a really rotten day yesterday, and I am still trying to digest why I think it is about me, because it simply is not.
One of my very dear friends the amazing Wendy has cancer.
She had breast cancer 4 years ago, did everything right, and went into remission. She then did many preventative measures to avoid cancer in her future as well. She had a remission of about 9 months and then went in for a body scan and spots were found in her lungs and her liver. That was about 16 months ago.
Her husband called me yesterday and told me that she was in the hospital and that it was close to the end of her fight. We sobbed and then he had to go home to his children and explain to his 4, 6 and 7 year old children that mom was going to go home to Heavenly Father. It is just so wrong in so many ways. Why her, she is the most amazing person, she has the purest heart and the strongest mind. Her faith that she would beat it never faltered.
The tragedy is just so inexplicable. I am so heartbroken for her husband Rick her parents John and Alice and for her children Dallas, McKell and Halle. I also feel heartbroken in a very selfish way for myself. I am going to miss her in so many ways, she is always the voice of love and reason and I need her.
The hardest part is that she lives in So. Cal. and I am in Utah. I feel utterly helpless. I want to be there to do something for someone. To keep the kids so her parents can be with her, to clean her house so Rick can come home and just love the kids without frustration. I can't, it isn't what is needed, and it is so hard to deal with that. All I am doing is sitting and waiting for that horrible phone call and crying randomly.
Wendy, I love you. Thanks for everything you have been, I wish I could have been there more and taken a part of your burden somehow. We were only separated by miles, you were always in my thoughts and I prayed for you often. I wish that it could have been enough, but you are needed elsewhere, and I hope to be worthy to be near you again. You were an amazing angel on earth, I can only begin to imagine how incredible you will be with no boundaries or limitations.

B-

So tomorrow I will donate a small piece of myself to a charity who understands and tries to mitigate the pain that cancer creates in the lives of those who are afflicted and those who have to watch. It is a small and insignificant thing to do, but it is all I have. If what I have to give can make one person happy or more comfortable for one second then it is completely worth it. I know this act won't fill the hole in the hearts of those who miss her, but Wendy is my reason for feeling compassion and hope for those who battle today. And maybe this will inspire someone else to find some way to donate what they can as well. Little actions do matter, whether it is a 5k run, taking in a meal to a friend or neighbor or having your hair cut.

Love and miss you Wendy.

B-