Monday, January 16, 2006

It has been a while

I haven't had it in me lately. Been flat, out of energy and just wondering how to pull myself out of it. There is a lot going on in scrapping world. Design team gigs that I hoped for that other wonderful talent got. Relationships that are challenging me at new levels. And just feeling that I needed some small successes somewhere to find the energy to push on to create more. I have been trying to push the negative energy out of my life, but I am really tired, and it just seems like a constant battle!
I want so badly to do more, give more and be more. Why can't I find a place of small satisfaction and work from it? Why do I have to be such a perfectionist? I try so hard to not project my uptightness onto others. My husband and I are not even talking any more and we blame each other and aren't even willing to entertain the idea that the other might have a valid point somewhere. He can't see why I can't trust him and that makes him so pissy he treats me like I am an idiot. Thank goodness for my wonderful kids, and my sister! The peace and happines that I find in small moments from them are tender mercies!
I need to do something.
I want to create. Maybe it would be good to stop creating for publication, design teams, contest etc. If I didn't feel so judged maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself as well. It has hurt my creativity to keep trying to do these contest. Everyone says nothing ventured nothing gained. You won't know if you don't try. Well, It does hurt to be told no time and again. And just makes it that much more pathetic to keep trying. Doesn't it? Did VanGogh do juried art shows? Would someone who really cares only about the preservation of their family memories worry about whether they have been published or not? Whether they are on a maunfacturers design team or preparing samples for a show? I started doing this to preserve memories. Then it became a creative outlet. So do I seperate the two? Do I keep trying to make myself noticed in the noise of so many others who have the same desires? I know in my heart with eternal perspective that it won't matter if I am published. My kids great grand kids will love seeing what their ancestors looked like, what they did, and who they were as a person. That is what really matters! It won't matter if I get every single picture done or if I missed a birthday. Having a frame of reference like this is what the Lord has asked us to do, and I really want to do the best work I can.
I feel like I am asking for too much to have it all. But why can't I? I know that there are people who have so much talent and drive! I have talent, I have drive, I have a work ethic! Why can't I find the right fit? I feel so selfish in even wanting to have more.

Wendy wants more, and she can't have it either. But Wendy might die. Her kids are so little, her marriage is healthy her heart is pure. Why can't she have more? More health or more time? She more than deserves it, she is one of the most selfless people that I know! She has always been that way, the cancer hasn't made her that way. Why can't I learn from her? I have had the time with my kids she so desperately want with hers. I love Wendy so much! It has been such a bummer to have her live so far away, and I miss being able to interact with her dailly! When we moved to Utah 10 years ago, Wendy and Rick were just engaged. They now have 3 beautiful children and an eternal marriage that is an inspiration to me.

When Rox and I were able to go and visit last year for a few days, I had the best time! Wendy is that kind of friend that it just always feels right. No need to play catch up or feel the need to impress or pretend with. She is the real deal!

I took some time out of my hectic hours at CKU-M and put together this little thank you for Wendy. It is photographed badly because I had to take pictures on top of the desk in an overly crowded hotel room. But it is most of the pictures I had of Wendy at the time and she didn't want me taking any new ones. (I did manage to sneak a few any way though!) But I wanted this here on my blog so I could look at when I need too! I miss not being able to her everyday even ten years later. I pray for her, and ask that if you read this that you will too!

Just thinking of Wendy makes me feel so loved and so selfish all at once. Can anyone help me out of this tailspin? I should be able to help myself, and I need to go to the Lord in humility and ask for more help to help myself. In the mean time, I am just trying to get through it all.


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